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[17 Feb 2009|11:26pm]
i cant believe this has happened. i talked to her last night and she seemed okay. we were making plans.
i cant stop thinking about all the things i wish i could have told her, how she was the only one that ever made me feel accepted in my own skin, that she was my sister, and i loved her more than anyone else in this world. we have been friends for 17 years.
i had no idea.
i dont understand why.
why did she have to do it this way?
1 comment|post comment

[07 Aug 2007|01:46am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

consumed

ordinary just not good enough today....

so glad to be in love, needing someone to hate...

it never works out as well as it does in the movies...i wonder why...

never been so thankful for music, or my family. what little is left. it astounds me at how much things have changed in just a short amount of time. i never thought i could be so consumed by certain emotions that when you sit back and just look, you cant help but smile, no matter how shitty everything else is. no matter how many things i wish could change, or would change, i just smile. i never knew it would happen to me, and if 2 years ago, you told me i would feel this way about him, i would have called you the biggest liar on the face of the planet.

i definatly didnt complete my new years resolution, but i guess who really does. i still havent been able to change the things about myself that i wanted to change. insecurities are a bitch. and not knowing is definatly not the best thing. they say ignorance is bliss, but its really not.

im in an odd mood tonite and i dont know why. i wish i could be everywhere at once, and do everything i want to do. i just dont have the energy.

i want to dance in my underwear. and play in the rain.

im actually excited for the future

1 comment|post comment

Dead [26 Apr 2006|10:57pm]
so, yea, im tired of all the old memories in this journal, so, its dead. new things will be moved, and if your important, you've already been added to my new journal.

the drama will hopefully end soon. im tired of all this.
1 comment|post comment

[10 Dec 2005|03:07pm]
im debating whether or not to get my septum re-pierced, any opinions?
3 comments|post comment

[04 Dec 2005|05:03pm]
not much to update about.

fuck jason. fuck marriage.

moving blows.

yay for new boys.

fuck everything else.

bye
1 comment|post comment

in my dream [04 Oct 2005|06:44pm]
[ mood | confused ]

this is my wedding dress...
http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridal_gowns_detail.jsp?stid=1204&prodgroup=10

and these are my bridesmaid dresses...

http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=1674&prodgroup=110

maybe my best friend is right. maybe i should just forget about it. about all of this. about my dream. i think he's getting cold feet anyway. god dammit. i just want to be loved. i just want a family of my own. why do i feel like im being yanked around by a string wrapped around my heart?

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[31 Aug 2005|10:13pm]
P.S.

I really either need to clean out this fucking journal, or get a new one... any opinions from those that still care enough to read?
3 comments|post comment

Fuck My Grandma With A Twig.... [31 Aug 2005|10:07pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

it's odd. why is it that everytime iam in this house, i find myself sitting in this same broken chair, thinking about everything that is going on? yet, i dont really think about it when i sit anywhere else for long period's of time.

i sick of smoking these fucking ciggerettes, and im sick of this feeling in the pit of my stomach. sometimes, i wish i could get people to talk instead of listen. i need a new routine. maybe im just feeling restless again. i dont want this goodness to end, but i still have this lingering feeling, that its going to slip away, right in-between my fingertips and into the arms of another. just like it always does. i have never felt love like this before, and that terrifies me.

do i always ramble about the same old shit? god, have i gotten boring? shoot me now, please. oh, and with a side order of fries too. possibly an apple pie?

So... Old poetry anyone?

Shattered Dreams ©
By: GCV


Looking through this hourglass
Wonder just how long it will last
Only time can tell the tale
God ,please free me from this hell

Living life with one glass eye
Shattered dreams about to die
Unholy, I fall apart
Killing pain runs through my heart

Looking through this glass of hate
Pray for me, no it's too late
Falling apart at all the seams
Life is full of shattered dreams

Shattered dreams they're all wishes
Shattered dreams your life falls to pieces
Shattered dreams they're all the same
Shattered dreams you're the one to blame




Buried Destiny ©
By: AMV


Tortured By her past.
Shattered By Her present
Left to die, to drown in the sorrows.
One more pill
One more drink
To take it all away
It was dry to her
Just like the love
THe love never felt
by anyone but them
they gave her life
they gave her death
who was who
who cared?
who loved?
grave to grave, and shadow to shadow
Dug her own grave for him
Lay her down to rest.




The Number 10 ©
by: AMV


Love Is a scary thing
Yet, So beautiful.
Almost as beautiful as him.
Beautiful from the inside out.
Opposite of her.
Ugly from the outside-in.
The scars run deep and hard.
The Razor Cuts the skin, and drags along.
Drags along like the time wasted by her.
What to do and what to say.
Its all just a whirlwind of amazement.
Falling from the stars and out of the sky.
Into his arms she wants to fly.
falling down is where she is.
To the depths of whats below.
No one can save her.
She has to drag deeper.
raising up is what she does. but cant.
Save her if you can.



What the hell is wrong with me?


and.....

Pictures...

A Picture Jason Took That I Adore
Coffee And Ciggerettes

Awwwe, He's Asleep... No, really, he was.
Jason Sleeping

On The Phone, With My Bestest Good Homie, Anna
Me

I Managed To Get One Where He Didnt Look Like Someone Ran Over His Pet Penguin...Him

My Other Best Good Homies, Candice, and Tara, With Sadie
Them

This Picture Scares Me.... Alot...
Uh

So Does This One...
Uh

*Vomit*
Yuck

Got Beer?
...

RoadTrip!
...
1 comment|post comment

interesting.... [27 Aug 2005|07:45pm]

What kinda sex do you like?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Times you want to fuck a day.. 2
Fav. position any position as long as its rough
How you like it a little foreplay and ALOTA SEX!
Where do you like doing it In public places
how good are you? you need a new hobbie
This quiz by sixmilesleft - Taken 330634 Times.
</a>
New - How do you get a guy to like you?





What kinda sex do you like?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Times you want to fuck a day.. 2
Fav. position 69
How you like it ROUGH BABY
Where do you like doing it on the couch
how good are you? fucking orgasmic
This QuickKwiz by sixmilesleft - Taken 330640 Times.
</a>
New - Help with love and dating!

post comment

stolen from nick [15 Aug 2005|02:54am]
[ mood | bitchy ]


What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Name:
Age:
Sex:
Sexuality:
Flirting Skill Level - 59%
Kissing Skill Level - 42%
Cudding Skill Level - 48%
Sex Skill Level - 54%
Why They Love You You are too good to be true.
Why They Hate You You kiss better than them.
This quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 3319294 Times.
</a>
New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology

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I shouldn't have... but I did... [14 Aug 2005|08:38pm]
why do I persist on torturing myself so much? I wonder about alot of things that I really shouldn't wonder about. She's so much prettier than I am, and sometimes I find myself wondering if, not only does he still love her, but, if I'm hearing the same things she heard. It TERRIFIES me to think, that I'm just another statistic, or just another lay. Outside minds, have me so confused, and make me wonder about everything. Especially, if I am good enough. If I can make him happy. I sometimes think that my brain is what gets me into so much trouble. But at the same time, I sometimes think my brain might help me keep from getting hurt. Keep me from being thrown into a spririling abyss that I wouldn't be able to handle. I CANNOT handle another HIM. And I refuse for that to happen. I cannot handle my brain pulling my heart into a million different directions. And it shocks me that when I lay in bed at night, I wonder if things would have been different, if I had left. But, I didnt leave. And everything happens for a reason. I just cant help but think "what if?" and once again, I find myself questioning the things going on in his head, because silence TERRIFIES me, and its hard to find anything except SILENCE. This will probably upset a couple people, but, I figure it would be better to just get everything in my brain out. At the same thing, I cant get everything out. I dont want to scare him off, and I especially dont want to piss him off. I wish I could shut myself down.

My head feels like it's going to explode, and yesterday I woke up sick. I begged Jason to come over last night, a night early, because I was so sick. Apparently, I kept him up half the night, moaning in pain in my sleep. I also started my new job today. I work again tomorrow. Mom also left town for a week or so, and left the house to Jason and I. Whenever she comes back, I'm going to sit her down, and talk to her about when she leaves for florida, for a few months, between september and december, and comming back whenever, if she will just let Jason and I stay in the house, pay 200 a month rent, plus utilities. Just to take a little off of daddy.

Oh, and, I've decided to grow out my hair. Finally. Its getting pretty long. Down to my nose now.
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stolen from the rizzle. [14 Aug 2005|08:28pm]
1)My uncle once:
gave me money to get drunk at 15.

2) Never in my life:
have i been totally comfortable in my own skin

3) When I was five:
i was spoiled rotten

4) High School was:
horrible

5) I will never forget:
Warped Tour 2004

6) I once met:
Davey Havoc... Oh yea...

7) There's this person I know who:
doesn't know how special they are.

8) Once, at a bar:
I table danced on camera

9) By noon I'm usually:
just getting out of bed

10) Last night:
I ate some chinese food, saw a horrible movie, and spent the night with jason

11) If I only had:
the nerve.

12) Next time I go to church/temple:
it's because someone important asked me to.

13) Terri Schiavo:
is dead/made a great subject for a south park episode.

14) I like:
Very Berry Boone's Farm, holding hands, jason

15) When I turn my head left, I see:
a dvd shelf

16) When I turn my head right, I see:
jason's t.v.

17) You know I'm lying when:
I sound overly innocent and smile

18) In grade school:
i was the smartest person in my class.

19) If I were a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be:
juliet

20) By this time next year:
more than likely married and in college

21) A better name for me would be:
ms.confused

22) I have a hard time understanding:
emotions

23) If I ever go back to school I'll:
do a hell of a lot better.

24) You know I like you if:
cook for you

25) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be:
jason, for holding me when im sick

26) I hope that:
someday things will change for me.

27) Take my advice:
be yourself. don't take shit from anyone.

28) My ideal breakfast is:
scrambled eggs, vanilla coffee, and a marlboro red


29) A song I love, but do not have is:
a "brand new" song, that i cant remember the title too

30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest:
if you hear dueling banjo's, runnn (haha, anna!)

31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips, & track stars:
uh.... french toast and hookers?

32) Why won't anyone:
explain my head

33) If you spend the night at my house:
your name is jason

34) I'd stop my wedding for:
Nothing.

35) The world could do without:
Facism, racism, ignorance in general, and president bush

36) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:
fail at my passion.

37) My favorite blonde is:
Kirsten Dunst

38) Paper clips are more useful than:
my ability to say something nice about myself and mean it.

40) And by the way:
i hope you die.

41) The last time I was drunk, I:
threw up on matt's front porch
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[30 Jul 2005|04:58pm]
i think i should stop drinking. i feel the need to call someone in florida.
1 comment|post comment

[21 May 2005|05:35pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

why is there no silver liner? why does everything have to hurt? why did you have to lie? why can't i turn back time? why do my intestine's feel like they are going to fall out? why am i so scared? why cant i sleep? why cant i eat? why cant i think? why cant i leave? why am i lonely? why dont YOU care? why cant i not care? why is this tearing me apart? why cant i just pretend everything is okay, just like YOU can? why am i even still alive?

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[11 May 2005|11:14pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i dont know how many times i have to say iam sorry. i just wish i could have everything back to the way it used to be. i love you so fucking much but you dont want to see that. you would rather shatter my heart into a million pieces.. i just dont know what to do anymore. how in the fuck do i get over you? how!? how can you sit there and tell me your not hurting. how can you do this to me? i cant believe i lost my husband and my best friend in one fucking blink of an eye. why wont you just put me out of my misery?

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[04 Feb 2005|06:24pm]
[ mood | moody ]

i didnt say goodbye. maybe i should have. no, saying goodbye wasnt necessary. it hurts knowing i wont wake up to you kissing my eyelids, or rolling over to see your beautiful face. im going to miss you scratching me with your un-shaven face at 6am, urging me to atleast wake up enough to give you a kiss. im going to miss your random phone calls where you say your at work, then 30 seconds later you walk through the front door. i already miss anxiously awaiting your arrival home from work, so you can keep me warm. i couldnt stand to say goodbye.

i cant understand why i cant stop crying. i know it isnt forever, but i also know that 2 hours already feels like forever. its always the little things, isnt it?

what doesnt kill me, will only make me stronger

are you sure this wont kill me?
will we still be as close?

i guess now i can look forward to our 3am conversations, that we havent been able to have over the phone in 3 months.

seeing that bus pull away, is what shattered my heart. im pitiful, and for once i dont care.

2 comments|post comment

yes, i realize i spelled my name differently. [25 Jan 2005|07:06pm]
AAppealing
SShiny
HHardworking
LLuxurious
EEnjoyable
EExhausting

Name / Username:


Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
1 comment|post comment

[25 Jan 2005|07:04pm]
well, the good news has finally arrived... i can talk adult ed, and then go back to survivors in august for my pre-ged's and then take my g.e.d. in like september i think. which is awsome, because not only will i get all the extra practice and work, but i can still get my diploma. i dont mind the extra schooling, i actually like school. *shrug* maybe things really are looking up for me.

i get paid tomorrow, and hopefully i can get a new phone. we'll see. all depends on how much money i have after i goto the used book shop and pick up a couple books to study.

finally i can keep my head in the books.
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hahahahahahhahahhahaha, im older than you anna! *sticks tounge out* [22 Jan 2005|10:40pm]


You Are 32 Years Old



32





Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.


2 comments|post comment

a dear friend wrote this... [15 Jan 2005|08:53pm]
Die, Happy.

I feel your breath on my shoulder. Your weight crushes my body into the suede velvet beneath us. Your left hand wrapped around my neck, squeezing. My lips brush against your ear. Cold steel presses against my right temple. I whisper to you, how much I love you for doing me this final favor. Your weight shifts, and then I see your face. I'm lost in your eyes, two tempest green oceans swallowing me whole. Your black hair tickles my face, which is now beginning to pulsate with blood, your hand still wrapped around my throat. Your face lowers to mine, our lips meet, your mouth covers mine, and I feel the air being dragged out of my lungs. I hear the click, click, click of the hammer being pulled back. For a split second our tongues meet. Then you're looking at me again. Your eyes, I'm drowning again. You smile at me, I smile back. You lean in to kiss me. My World Goes Black.
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